Journal Entry: 8/23/2004
A Letter of Understanding
As I write this my hands hurt, my mind grasps at sanity, my heart beats in sorrow and disappointment, fear, and insecurity. My stomach aches for what lies ahead. It is uncertain.
As I write I need someone else to understand that I really do want happiness and joy but, for as much room as it has taken to write the words, happiness and joy are absent in my heart. As I write this I breathe to cope and to let myself know I am alive. As I write this the tears have dried and the pain comes and goes until the intensity of this pain comes back. I will write. As I write for some type of understanding.
Journal Entry: 09/20/2009
Totally disconnected. It’s a paycheck. Nothing more. Lord if it wasn’t for You, I would not struggle to care about this. I think that I would try to impress people and then be stressed out with that and would be ready to do whatever they said. I would want to belong. Lord now that I really am getting to know You, I want to do all of that for You. Now I perform here mediocre. God I am supposed to work unto You. I have it, but I do not want to give it here. Why? They did not accept my best when I offered it. So they don’t get it. Am I in unforgiveness? Rebellion? Double mindedness? Lord what do I do?
These entries are a glimpse into the heart of how much trouble I had functioning at any level of joy, peace, or purpose. In these times I felt as though I had been disadvantaged in some way and the pain ran deep.
There were times in my life that I can remember being in so much hurt for who I was as a person that I did not even bother going to the bathroom. It was that bad. My self-esteem was battling between what I believed, what people saw, and what I wanted. My HOPE was equivalent to 10 grains of sand.